Your photo comments (and immortal soul) will be deleted! Hail Satan!

Horna (pictured at left, brought to you by Zubr beer) hails from Finland. A lot of crazy black metal seems to originate in Scandanavian countries, no?

Ninjaface McGee found this charming gem, noting "OK, so they don't win for the best band name, but perhaps one of the best bios ever."

It does seem quite fortunate that they were able to replace "the hammer of uncreation" without too much trouble. You wouldn't think you could just find another one of those on Craiglist, but what do I know?

"Thy sinister werewolf kult of Horna was born in 1993 by Shatraug and Moredhel. The hammer of uncreation, Gorthaur, joined in 1994 and the first release "Varjoissa" was created in 1995. Joined by Satanic Warmaster (prior known as Nazgul) in 1996, Horna set out the course lead by "Hiidentorni" all the way upon the grim splendour of "Sudentaival". In 2001 Satanic Warmaster was replaced by Corvus unveiling an entirely new era in our existence. In the summer of 2003 we found our current lead guitarist Saturnus and the unholy trinity of Shatraug-Corvus-Saturnus was born, a revelation that clouded any previous settlements. Even when we saw it necessary to replace Gorthaur our thrice cursed black core kept going on, with strength anew. NO PICTURE COMMENTS!!!! WE DELETE ALL!!!!"

Courtesy of MySpace

That just happened

Breaking news from the Department of Unnecessary Press Releases:

"GAGGLE OF COCKS Signs With SCREAMING FERRET WRECKORDS"

Courtesy of BLABBERMOUTH

Real Bands: They're huge in Europe

For those who consider the Scissor Sisters too subtle, Ass Hammer Records (yes, really) presents the jewel of its roster.
























Courtesy of Myspace

Real Bands: OK, not really

How many among us have not taken a completely random phrase out of context and thought, "That would be a totally amazing name for a band!"

How many of us are searching for a moniker for our pop-metal-polka Beach Boys cover band or painfully hip indie side project?

Ninjaface McGee has some suggestions. He will demand a cut of your merch sales, though.

Go Drink Your Own Pee

Lightning Fast Midgets

Vikings With Sunburn

Unicorncycle

Water Polo Knife Fight

Tito Santana & The Breakfast Burritos

Turtleneck Wetsuit

Long Island Iced Barnyard

The City of Naples Hired Macgyver To Clean Up Their Trash But Found Out He Was Just An Actor With Feathered Hair

Leather Flavored Mayonnaise

Purgatory Only Hires Midgets

Denim Mittens

Bok Choy Fingernails

New Jersey Smells Like Burnt Skin and Iroc Z's

I Got Beat Up By That Wagon

Mandingo Was His Name OW!

Total Spiritual Creaminess

Break Dance Orbit

Thomas Edison Was The Voice of Gobo Fraggle

Gorky Parka

Real Bands: X-Rated Edition

Porn is not only stimulating the economy but also the purveyors of Smash Hits. Ninjaface McGee brings you this week's round-up of bands that really exist but probably shouldn't.

Statutory Grape - the best is the extremely high usage of unicorns and "Neverending Story" like artwork on their page. You know this guy makes brownies out of Iggy Pop's used garbage he bought from eBay.

The Traceelords - I can't read German, but fuck yeah!

Porn Flakes - Porn puns are always fun like "Indian Johnson & The Testicle of Doom" or "Jurassic Pork" so we all have to support this fully.

Anaal Nathrakh - I actually like this band but "Wurt da hell r ya seyin?"

Headshot 72 - Just listen to it, their song titles are amazing.

Mandown - The only reason this is here is because their member pages are amazing and have better names than the actual band name itself. I mean how bad do you want to "Fukkus The Clown's" groupie?

Frickin A - God, I hope they were a Christian band! I don't know what's worse - that someone actually signed this band or that people got together and took this seriously and said "Yeah, let's call it Frickin A. Dude, that's awesome!"

Real Bands: Worst of '07

The AV Club at the Onion did the great service of tallying the most ridiculous band names of last year, based on real demo submissions.

Aren't we all waiting for a co-headline tour featuring Harmoinca Lewinsky and Baboon Torture Division?

This is simply the tip of the iceberg:

The Color Fred
Job For A Cowboy
Da Bears
From San Diego, home of Da Chargers.
Yo Mama's Big Fat Booty Band
Mental Afro
Shout Out Out Out Out
Dyslexic Speedreaders
The Asbestos Tampons
Malice In Wonderland
I Sank Molly Brown
Poetic Justice League 4 America
The Hobbits Of The Shire
Uprise Of The Dope Fiendz
Kidz In The Hall
Poets & Pornstars

Check out the whole list - complete with links.

Real Bands: The Top Ten

For some time now, there has been an ongoing competition to find the most ridiculously named bands currently operating both online and in the real world. And make no mistake - there are many. It begs the question - did these folks have serious aspirations for legitmiate success?

Every week Ninjaface McGee will bring you the round up of real bands with most off-beat, offensive or just plain stupid monikers.

In the meantime, here are his Top Ten Real Bands:

Honest Bob & The Factory-To-Dealer Incentives
If he had better financing then he'd be off the charts but I can understand with today's gas prices why some people shy away.

Bathtub Shitter
There's obviously going to be a ton of grind/death & black metal bands on this list as they tend to have the best sense of humor. This takes the cake cause you know it had to really happen to one of the band members in some capacity, while I don't care to learn the full description it proves that toilets are just useless. Except for brushing your teeth.

Sexual Pantalones
Honestly, the best thing about this band is the fact that their logo is a dancing taco wearing a cowboy hat. Now if they only had a live mascot in the same gear and dubbed him "Senor Lechuga" that would be something. Then it would bridge the gap between the fans and his moustache wearing taco attitude.

Hydraulic Sandwich
I originally would use this as a weapon to ward off evil lunch ladies but upon closer inspection they just wear hair nets and have no desire to mess around in Olympic Track & Field events.

Hot Fudge Monday
There are an awful lot of "H" names in this list. Maybe we should make a movie based on the letter "H" like the number 23 but call it "Dinosaur Joe Makes a Comeback." That way everyone in the world will know exactly what the plot of the movie entails.

Hostile Omish
This will spawn a new breed of rappers such as "Cornface Killah", "Lil Wagon" & "The Black Hat". Do we have to name their mechanical royalties something else in order for them to collect?

Kampfar
Where'd you guys go on vacation? Oh, we went to Kampfar. Wow, was it the black metal winter camp you've always dreamed of? At least they don't have to travel far to take the black metal nature photos...or do they?

Cockpunch
The best mascot, the best merch, the music is good too. They just need to do a "versus" tour with someone like Meg & Dia, for the sheer fact the poster could read "Meg & Dia vs. Cockpunch". That would be fucking awesome!

We Smoke Fags
Granted this means something completely different to the English, but all I can think about is that Family Guy episode where Peter says, "Well, somebody tell this cigarette to get away from me."

Taint
aka Gitch, aka the Gooch, aka Heesh, aka the Gaza Strip