Real Bands: They're huge in Europe

For those who consider the Scissor Sisters too subtle, Ass Hammer Records (yes, really) presents the jewel of its roster.
























Courtesy of Myspace

The mind, it is blank

Girls With Attitude should not be confused with Niggas with Attitude. Nor anyone with actual talent or access to proper recording equipment.

They have, however, discovered the magical transformative powers of the "reverb" function. In this case, it elevates the vocals from merely off-key to downright creepy. Creepy like all of the little kids from 70s horror movies got together in a band.

GIRLS WITH ATTITUDE - "There Is Nothing In My Dreams"

A Hox be upon you

If Bret Michaels has taught us nothing as a culture, it should be that the bandana is indicative of two things: denial regarding one's hairline and questionable musical talent.

Hox, as he chooses to be called, has taken a halfhearted page from the "80s has-been by way of Pirates in Guido Town" sartorial playbook. When his press kit landed on the desk of a management company with the photo to the right included, someone rightfully asked, "How bad was the rest of the photo shoot that this was the one they sent out?" Indeed - just dead enough in the eyes with the GlamourShots backdrop is the combination for rock star success.

Have no fear, though, that the music is as specutacular as the photographic evidence would suggest - although you might be surprised to find that Hox is much more the witty singer-songwriter than his bandana and leather pants indicate.

Some of the fantastically named tracks on his debut album:

"Batgirl"

"Teenager Caught With Devo"

"I'm Glad You're Naked, Fran"

For a sampling of the musical stylings of Vernon, CT's own Hox, check out his MySpace. Particularly the song "Contagious," which features such poetry as rhythming "contagious" with "flirtatious" and "outrageous." Can anyone spot him a Valtrex?

What about you? How about not

Like a lot of pop music, this starts out innocuously enough. Actually, to be fair, the song itself resides comfortably in the murky purgatory of Not Horrible. It's certainly no worse than anything churned out by O-Town. Except O-Town didn't record in the "Be A Star" karaoke booth at the mall.

If you listen very carefully, you can almost hear puberty occurring.

JONATHAN - "Enough About Him"

Love in the time of MySpace

Allow internet lothario Capeletti to wax poetic on the subject of web cams via bad samples and even worse opera. It's sort of like being at a rave in your cousin's basement, only without the strobe light from the hardware store and lots of Boone's Farm. A lot of the lyrics are unintelligible, but that's probably for the best.

CAPELETTI - "Web Cam"