"This video may not be suitable for minors"

RehDogg is the unofficial poet laureate of Smash Hits, primarily because of the eloquent, James Lipton-worthy descriptions of his music. Witness, if you will, his most recent offering which he describes thus:

"This song pretty much states that I'm a laid back kind of guy but when trouble comes my way I will deal with it accordingly."

That's all well and good but does nothing to explain a) the refugee from the German Wham! cover band hiding in his kitchen, b) the knives and c)...what lurks in the Joe Boxers.

So much about this video is not OK.

Someone has trust issues!

Lippsy Russell is fairly certain that his lady is being dishonest about the following, among other things:

• enjoying his music


• being gay


• giving other men access to her titties


• taking birth control


• having sex in the butt

The Moment of Truth missed out on a prime theme song opportunity, no doubt.

LIPPSY RUSSELL - "U Lyin"

Cougar alert raised to red

It's often the case in hip hop that the hook is the make-or-break factor. Cuddlebone decided to stray from the traditional path of having a golden-voiced chanteuse warble the chorus to his self-referential track - instead it sounds like he recruited the elderly homeless woman who sleeps in the alley behind the liquor store. After gargling with a shot of Cutty Sark, she was ready to go.

Have fun trying to make sense of the rest of it, in particular the part about marbles.

CUDDLEBONE - "Hey, Cuddlebone"

Speak, prophet of peace

Unlike Ill Mitch, Speak is a legitimate Hungarian rapper - or trying to be anyway. Imagine Dolf Lundgren preaching about ending war while alternately wandering through a cemetery in the middle of the afternoon or leaning on a rented vehicle. As amazing as all of that, what really makes it special is the motley crew singing the hook - it's Hungary's answer to Il Divo.

Yes, sometimes people make a war, but if we can catch the bad man - well, it's a little unclear what's going on, but at least Tupac gets some props.

So in the great tradition of peace anthems and wicked flow from the Eastern Bloc, you please enjoy:

Fast & Danger: Meet Ill Mitch

Ill Mitch was, in many ways, the Borat of the original Smash Hits collection. "Fast & Danger," an ode to his skateboard, boxing and his prowess with the laydeez, was one of the more popular selections.

At the time, there was some debate among the involved parties over whether Ill Mitch was a joke or a legimiate skateboarding Russian rapper. It seemed too good to be true - something about painfully broken English and a bad accent never fails to translate (haha, you see what I did there?) into unintentional comedy. Fast and danger, indeed.

Unfortunately, in hingdsight, it's fairly evident that Ill Mitch is a character rather than the genuine article. He's still going strong after all these years, and his website now has a reasonably entertaining video section.

Both his albums are now available on iTunes, shockingly enough.

RehDogg: a Smash Hits primer

Let's face it - there are a lot of untalented people out there. Music is harder than it looks, my friends. Even thunderously average music requires a certain level of Neanderthal brilliance. (So easy even Chad Kroeger can do it!) It's not like just anyone can sit down and bang out a trite, derivative yet commercially viable radio hook. That kind of highly-valued mediocrity is created in labs from call-out research and survey groups and probably some kind of ancient voodoo ritual.

Nevertheless, there's a lot of average floating around - some halfway decent average, some bad average, some boring average. Some average that sells millions, some average that couldn't get its mom to come to a gig.

However.

When the needle slips below the very generous purgatory of the average or even of "not horrible," we enter the murky water of things that are bad. Lots of things are bad, but certain things are so overwhelming, spectacularly terrible that they take on a certain aura that can best be described as "Oh my God - seriously?"

Take, for instance, prolific hip hop wordsmith RehDogg:



Let's examine how RehDogg manages to elevate his game from merely untalented to bona fide Smash Hit:

• Giving even Ja Rule a run for his money for suspected Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
• Two words: shower scene
• Completely nonsensical lyrics (at varying tempos) apparently have "deep meaning"
• Production budget of $2 and a case of orange soda
• Is completely, unabashedly Not Kidding

It's recommended that you check out RehDogg's entire catalogue on YouTube, if only for the stellar description of his inspiration for "You Say I'm Ugly" the REMIX (of course):

This song is a remix the original song was produced because a man whom had a very close friend hurt his feelings by calling him ugly. the song became extremely popular hence the remix was born. The remix basically has the same elements as the first but also added hurt from rejection by Asian women.

Preach on, brother.