Jesus has added you as a friend

Please confirm that you are indeed friends with Jesus.



Thanks, Stack

No country for anyone

When you think about taking a trip to a magical land, does it involve rednecks and a guy wearing a Dr. Seuss hat? Are you ready? No...are you really, really ready? How about you people in the back?

Meet blues-rock outfit Complete: coming soon to a tractor pull near you.



For more - much, much more than you could ever want or need - check out this inexplicably comprehensive fan page.

Courtesy of JRG

The lovers, the dreamers...and Toad

Mark Krump, a man with more passion than skill, presents his ode to perhaps the greatest level in Super Mario Kart. It was always my favorite, even when my friends would complain that we were all in danger of having a seizure.

Oddly enough, this song could have a similar effect.

"This video may not be suitable for minors"

RehDogg is the unofficial poet laureate of Smash Hits, primarily because of the eloquent, James Lipton-worthy descriptions of his music. Witness, if you will, his most recent offering which he describes thus:

"This song pretty much states that I'm a laid back kind of guy but when trouble comes my way I will deal with it accordingly."

That's all well and good but does nothing to explain a) the refugee from the German Wham! cover band hiding in his kitchen, b) the knives and c)...what lurks in the Joe Boxers.

So much about this video is not OK.

You go, girl

Doesn't it seem quaint when freshly-scrubbed prom queens like Beyonce and Rihanna try and get all Two Snaps & One Twist on their no-good, two-timing menfolk? Sure, they might dump some bleach on your clothes or take back the bling they bought you, but that's pretty weak in the grand scheme of women scorned. Left Eye at least set some dude's house on fire.

Riskay, on the other hand, would like to conduct a more scientific investigation to uncover her man's lack of fidelity. Before, yes, bleaching his clothes and chucking his iPhone in the bushes. Girlfriend does not play.



Which also brings to mind Khia, another ambassador of female empowerment. There is no prouder battle cry in the crusade for gender equality than "I am woman. Lick my crack."

"Wifebeater" - yes, really

For those who find Limp Bizkit a little too woman-friendly, fat-guys-in-hoodies metal outfit Facecast is here with even less talent and a kitchen broom to regulate some lazy bitches. Remember - he only hits you because you cry. Or because you ate the last of the pork rinds.



Courtesy of I Used Everything I Had!

Stop being polite and start getting real

R. Kelly is a bit of a conundrum. At some point - for reasons that are not entirely clear - he made the transformation from suave, elegant R&B ladies man to, for lack of a better term, batshit insane. Make no mistake - he is no less a perpetrator of Smash Hits just because he's condoned and financed by a major label. It seemed impossible that he could recapture the unabashed ludicrousness of "Trapped In The Closet," but that doesn't mean he didn't come damn close with "Real Talk." It's a mixture of spoken word poetry and that guy on the corner who yells obscenities at strangers.

If ever there was a song crying out to be covered by Ben Folds or Jack Handey, it would be this.

Fuck him? Nooo. Fuck you, girl.

Even trailer trash needs an anthem

Generally the brilliance of a Smash Hit comes from unintentional comedy. Robby Roadsteamer, on the other hand, is a real band whose comedy is more or less intentional. Imagine a collaboration between Andrew WK and Journey, and you're on the right track.

There are many particularly awesome things about this song, not the least of which is the notion that she takes care of the baby and he goes to play keno. Who plays keno?

The Devil Went Down To Jersey

Mychal Kelly is a man of many personas. On the one hand, he's a creator of hilariously awful pop songs, that range from merely bad to outright ridiculous.

He fashions himself as some kind of charismatic prince of dark magic - the Criss Angel of West Caldwell. One of his albums in the Jersey Devil series is called "Quietly Judging You" - he will mindfreak you with self-doubt.

Should it even be addressed that he appears to be wearing leather chaps over boxer briefs in many of his promotional shots? You're right, let's just leave that alone.

Apparently he also directs and stars in not one but two "films" that are sort of like the Blair Witch Project, only with no budget and featuring Hot Topic goths with striped arm socks. In a particularly excellent clip, there is joy-riding, reverse smoking and an emo girl getting run over.



Not doubt, however, Mychal Kelly wants to be known for his music. His actual submission to a major label to get a record deal was "Exposure." There's something for everyone here - late-80s pop styling, unfortunate attempts at beatboxing, and the phrase "snap that thong against your skin." Who says dudes from Jersey aren't classy?

MYCHAL KELLY - "Exposure"


To be quietly judged, check out Mychal Kelly Online.

Speak, prophet of peace

Unlike Ill Mitch, Speak is a legitimate Hungarian rapper - or trying to be anyway. Imagine Dolf Lundgren preaching about ending war while alternately wandering through a cemetery in the middle of the afternoon or leaning on a rented vehicle. As amazing as all of that, what really makes it special is the motley crew singing the hook - it's Hungary's answer to Il Divo.

Yes, sometimes people make a war, but if we can catch the bad man - well, it's a little unclear what's going on, but at least Tupac gets some props.

So in the great tradition of peace anthems and wicked flow from the Eastern Bloc, you please enjoy:

RehDogg: a Smash Hits primer

Let's face it - there are a lot of untalented people out there. Music is harder than it looks, my friends. Even thunderously average music requires a certain level of Neanderthal brilliance. (So easy even Chad Kroeger can do it!) It's not like just anyone can sit down and bang out a trite, derivative yet commercially viable radio hook. That kind of highly-valued mediocrity is created in labs from call-out research and survey groups and probably some kind of ancient voodoo ritual.

Nevertheless, there's a lot of average floating around - some halfway decent average, some bad average, some boring average. Some average that sells millions, some average that couldn't get its mom to come to a gig.

However.

When the needle slips below the very generous purgatory of the average or even of "not horrible," we enter the murky water of things that are bad. Lots of things are bad, but certain things are so overwhelming, spectacularly terrible that they take on a certain aura that can best be described as "Oh my God - seriously?"

Take, for instance, prolific hip hop wordsmith RehDogg:



Let's examine how RehDogg manages to elevate his game from merely untalented to bona fide Smash Hit:

• Giving even Ja Rule a run for his money for suspected Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
• Two words: shower scene
• Completely nonsensical lyrics (at varying tempos) apparently have "deep meaning"
• Production budget of $2 and a case of orange soda
• Is completely, unabashedly Not Kidding

It's recommended that you check out RehDogg's entire catalogue on YouTube, if only for the stellar description of his inspiration for "You Say I'm Ugly" the REMIX (of course):

This song is a remix the original song was produced because a man whom had a very close friend hurt his feelings by calling him ugly. the song became extremely popular hence the remix was born. The remix basically has the same elements as the first but also added hurt from rejection by Asian women.

Preach on, brother.