The mind, it is blank

Girls With Attitude should not be confused with Niggas with Attitude. Nor anyone with actual talent or access to proper recording equipment.

They have, however, discovered the magical transformative powers of the "reverb" function. In this case, it elevates the vocals from merely off-key to downright creepy. Creepy like all of the little kids from 70s horror movies got together in a band.

GIRLS WITH ATTITUDE - "There Is Nothing In My Dreams"

Be a winner!

Who among us was not made better through the invaluable life lessons taught by one-hit wonder "Everyone's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)"? Pop music has been crying out for yet another inspirational spoken word juggernaut... Hasn't it? Well, maybe not, but that certainly isn't going to stop PHP. Now imagine that instead of the jaded tones of the poor man's Alan Arkin, it's Schwarzenegger imparting to you some of the following deep thoughts:

"Do bad and you will get bad"
"You are the winner in your life"
"Can you feel the heat in you?"
"If you do whatever you do, you will get whatever you get"
"It's hard to be a man and so easy to be an asshole"

The Secret has nothing on these guys. NADA.

PHP - "Be A Man"

Someone has trust issues!

Lippsy Russell is fairly certain that his lady is being dishonest about the following, among other things:

• enjoying his music


• being gay


• giving other men access to her titties


• taking birth control


• having sex in the butt

The Moment of Truth missed out on a prime theme song opportunity, no doubt.

LIPPSY RUSSELL - "U Lyin"

What about you? How about not

Like a lot of pop music, this starts out innocuously enough. Actually, to be fair, the song itself resides comfortably in the murky purgatory of Not Horrible. It's certainly no worse than anything churned out by O-Town. Except O-Town didn't record in the "Be A Star" karaoke booth at the mall.

If you listen very carefully, you can almost hear puberty occurring.

JONATHAN - "Enough About Him"

The Radies Man: Heading right up your alley

Long before William Hung endeared himself to the nation by reinterpreting the modern classic "She Bangs," there was the Radies Man.

First appearing on the aptly-named Poop Alley Tapes in 1995, the Radies Man provided a beacon of inspiration for those of questionable mental capacity and limited English skills. And for the record, what in fact is a "hungry donkey woman"?

RADIES MAN - "Honky Tonky Woman"


The rest of the included tracks also look incredibly promising. While The Rentals and Beck went on to varying degrees of commercial success, the careers of Waldo The Dog Faced Boy and Speculum Fight inexplicably never quite took off. Huh.

DISC ONE
The Rentals - "California"
Benett - "Love On The Rocks"
Recess - "Study No. 1 For Symphony No. 1"
Josh Haden - "Ten Nights"
Jackknife - "Teenage Blues"
that dog. - "Ridiculous"
Too Much Girl - "Fascinating Girl"
Radies Man - "Honky Tonky Woman"
The Strawberry Jams - "Kinda Sorta Maybe"
Rump - "Alan's Got An Axe To Grind"
Crib - "Sty"
Fleabag - "Fading Fast"
The Haves - "Nevadaesque"
The Neptunas - "Hot Custom Long Board"
Bobby & The Magic Pacer - "Drinking Dogs"
Waldo The Dog Faced Boy - "Turkey's Lament"
Speculum Fight - "Hello There Chico"
Rod Poole - "Excerpt From The Composition"

DISC TWO
Polar Goldie Cats - "Reverb Wa Doko"
Geraldine Fibbers - "He Stopped Loving Her Today"
Beck - "Girl Of My Dreams"
June Blake - "Adam In June"
Lowercase - "My Shame Your Shame"
Kryptonite Nixon - "Whiffle Ball"
Charles Brown Superstar - "Solid Gold"
Shady Ladies Of The Mother Lode - "Moistened"
Danny Frankel - "Rainbow Wig On Haight St."
Brown Cow - "Out?"
Nastassya Filippovna - "Ungodly Purple Watt"
Vector 3Niner - "The Deep Complexity Of Quotidian Chaos (Let's Vector)"
Slug - "Silver Man"

Courtesy of Wikipedia

Cougar alert raised to red

It's often the case in hip hop that the hook is the make-or-break factor. Cuddlebone decided to stray from the traditional path of having a golden-voiced chanteuse warble the chorus to his self-referential track - instead it sounds like he recruited the elderly homeless woman who sleeps in the alley behind the liquor store. After gargling with a shot of Cutty Sark, she was ready to go.

Have fun trying to make sense of the rest of it, in particular the part about marbles.

CUDDLEBONE - "Hey, Cuddlebone"

Love in the time of MySpace

Allow internet lothario Capeletti to wax poetic on the subject of web cams via bad samples and even worse opera. It's sort of like being at a rave in your cousin's basement, only without the strobe light from the hardware store and lots of Boone's Farm. A lot of the lyrics are unintelligible, but that's probably for the best.

CAPELETTI - "Web Cam"

The Devil Went Down To Jersey

Mychal Kelly is a man of many personas. On the one hand, he's a creator of hilariously awful pop songs, that range from merely bad to outright ridiculous.

He fashions himself as some kind of charismatic prince of dark magic - the Criss Angel of West Caldwell. One of his albums in the Jersey Devil series is called "Quietly Judging You" - he will mindfreak you with self-doubt.

Should it even be addressed that he appears to be wearing leather chaps over boxer briefs in many of his promotional shots? You're right, let's just leave that alone.

Apparently he also directs and stars in not one but two "films" that are sort of like the Blair Witch Project, only with no budget and featuring Hot Topic goths with striped arm socks. In a particularly excellent clip, there is joy-riding, reverse smoking and an emo girl getting run over.



Not doubt, however, Mychal Kelly wants to be known for his music. His actual submission to a major label to get a record deal was "Exposure." There's something for everyone here - late-80s pop styling, unfortunate attempts at beatboxing, and the phrase "snap that thong against your skin." Who says dudes from Jersey aren't classy?

MYCHAL KELLY - "Exposure"


To be quietly judged, check out Mychal Kelly Online.

Who can really satisfy you?

Have you ever wondered what it would sound like if Smoove B recorded an album in the style of Bill Withers, using only the default rhythm setting on a $15 Casio keyboard?

Of course you haven't.

Nevertheless, enjoy this fine offering from Don Blackwood - sincere ladies' man and enemy of auto-tune.

DON BLACKWOOD - "Name Just One"

No hamsters!

Rare is the Smash Hit that you actually get to see live on stage. By accident.

The Black Death aka Beer Vampire (there was some confusion as to their actual name) had gained some small amount of infamy from appearing on late-night cable access in Brooklyn. Somehow this translated into a gig at the Luna Lounge.

Once it became clear that the overweight, 40-something men puttering around the stage were not in fact roadies for the other bands on the bill, the small audience was treated to a mixture of terrible, monotone punk and rants about how the club had put the wrong name on schedule posted outside. "We're called the Black Death," sulked the bass player who no doubt belongs to a welder's union. "Our first album was called Beer Vampire...so yeah. Anyway. That's fucked up."

The shining moment of their set came with this lovely ode to all things feline:

BLACK DEATH - "I Like P"


Take note: hamsters and farm animals need not apply.