You go, girl

Doesn't it seem quaint when freshly-scrubbed prom queens like Beyonce and Rihanna try and get all Two Snaps & One Twist on their no-good, two-timing menfolk? Sure, they might dump some bleach on your clothes or take back the bling they bought you, but that's pretty weak in the grand scheme of women scorned. Left Eye at least set some dude's house on fire.

Riskay, on the other hand, would like to conduct a more scientific investigation to uncover her man's lack of fidelity. Before, yes, bleaching his clothes and chucking his iPhone in the bushes. Girlfriend does not play.



Which also brings to mind Khia, another ambassador of female empowerment. There is no prouder battle cry in the crusade for gender equality than "I am woman. Lick my crack."

Real Bands: X-Rated Edition

Porn is not only stimulating the economy but also the purveyors of Smash Hits. Ninjaface McGee brings you this week's round-up of bands that really exist but probably shouldn't.

Statutory Grape - the best is the extremely high usage of unicorns and "Neverending Story" like artwork on their page. You know this guy makes brownies out of Iggy Pop's used garbage he bought from eBay.

The Traceelords - I can't read German, but fuck yeah!

Porn Flakes - Porn puns are always fun like "Indian Johnson & The Testicle of Doom" or "Jurassic Pork" so we all have to support this fully.

Anaal Nathrakh - I actually like this band but "Wurt da hell r ya seyin?"

Headshot 72 - Just listen to it, their song titles are amazing.

Mandown - The only reason this is here is because their member pages are amazing and have better names than the actual band name itself. I mean how bad do you want to "Fukkus The Clown's" groupie?

Frickin A - God, I hope they were a Christian band! I don't know what's worse - that someone actually signed this band or that people got together and took this seriously and said "Yeah, let's call it Frickin A. Dude, that's awesome!"

Be a winner!

Who among us was not made better through the invaluable life lessons taught by one-hit wonder "Everyone's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)"? Pop music has been crying out for yet another inspirational spoken word juggernaut... Hasn't it? Well, maybe not, but that certainly isn't going to stop PHP. Now imagine that instead of the jaded tones of the poor man's Alan Arkin, it's Schwarzenegger imparting to you some of the following deep thoughts:

"Do bad and you will get bad"
"You are the winner in your life"
"Can you feel the heat in you?"
"If you do whatever you do, you will get whatever you get"
"It's hard to be a man and so easy to be an asshole"

The Secret has nothing on these guys. NADA.

PHP - "Be A Man"

A Hox be upon you

If Bret Michaels has taught us nothing as a culture, it should be that the bandana is indicative of two things: denial regarding one's hairline and questionable musical talent.

Hox, as he chooses to be called, has taken a halfhearted page from the "80s has-been by way of Pirates in Guido Town" sartorial playbook. When his press kit landed on the desk of a management company with the photo to the right included, someone rightfully asked, "How bad was the rest of the photo shoot that this was the one they sent out?" Indeed - just dead enough in the eyes with the GlamourShots backdrop is the combination for rock star success.

Have no fear, though, that the music is as specutacular as the photographic evidence would suggest - although you might be surprised to find that Hox is much more the witty singer-songwriter than his bandana and leather pants indicate.

Some of the fantastically named tracks on his debut album:

"Batgirl"

"Teenager Caught With Devo"

"I'm Glad You're Naked, Fran"

For a sampling of the musical stylings of Vernon, CT's own Hox, check out his MySpace. Particularly the song "Contagious," which features such poetry as rhythming "contagious" with "flirtatious" and "outrageous." Can anyone spot him a Valtrex?

"Wifebeater" - yes, really

For those who find Limp Bizkit a little too woman-friendly, fat-guys-in-hoodies metal outfit Facecast is here with even less talent and a kitchen broom to regulate some lazy bitches. Remember - he only hits you because you cry. Or because you ate the last of the pork rinds.



Courtesy of I Used Everything I Had!

How not to pick a stage name

Courtesy of MySpace

Someone has trust issues!

Lippsy Russell is fairly certain that his lady is being dishonest about the following, among other things:

• enjoying his music


• being gay


• giving other men access to her titties


• taking birth control


• having sex in the butt

The Moment of Truth missed out on a prime theme song opportunity, no doubt.

LIPPSY RUSSELL - "U Lyin"

Real Bands: Worst of '07

The AV Club at the Onion did the great service of tallying the most ridiculous band names of last year, based on real demo submissions.

Aren't we all waiting for a co-headline tour featuring Harmoinca Lewinsky and Baboon Torture Division?

This is simply the tip of the iceberg:

The Color Fred
Job For A Cowboy
Da Bears
From San Diego, home of Da Chargers.
Yo Mama's Big Fat Booty Band
Mental Afro
Shout Out Out Out Out
Dyslexic Speedreaders
The Asbestos Tampons
Malice In Wonderland
I Sank Molly Brown
Poetic Justice League 4 America
The Hobbits Of The Shire
Uprise Of The Dope Fiendz
Kidz In The Hall
Poets & Pornstars

Check out the whole list - complete with links.

What about you? How about not

Like a lot of pop music, this starts out innocuously enough. Actually, to be fair, the song itself resides comfortably in the murky purgatory of Not Horrible. It's certainly no worse than anything churned out by O-Town. Except O-Town didn't record in the "Be A Star" karaoke booth at the mall.

If you listen very carefully, you can almost hear puberty occurring.

JONATHAN - "Enough About Him"

Stop being polite and start getting real

R. Kelly is a bit of a conundrum. At some point - for reasons that are not entirely clear - he made the transformation from suave, elegant R&B ladies man to, for lack of a better term, batshit insane. Make no mistake - he is no less a perpetrator of Smash Hits just because he's condoned and financed by a major label. It seemed impossible that he could recapture the unabashed ludicrousness of "Trapped In The Closet," but that doesn't mean he didn't come damn close with "Real Talk." It's a mixture of spoken word poetry and that guy on the corner who yells obscenities at strangers.

If ever there was a song crying out to be covered by Ben Folds or Jack Handey, it would be this.

Fuck him? Nooo. Fuck you, girl.