The lovers, the dreamers...and Toad

Mark Krump, a man with more passion than skill, presents his ode to perhaps the greatest level in Super Mario Kart. It was always my favorite, even when my friends would complain that we were all in danger of having a seizure.

Oddly enough, this song could have a similar effect.

Real Bands: OK, not really

How many among us have not taken a completely random phrase out of context and thought, "That would be a totally amazing name for a band!"

How many of us are searching for a moniker for our pop-metal-polka Beach Boys cover band or painfully hip indie side project?

Ninjaface McGee has some suggestions. He will demand a cut of your merch sales, though.

Go Drink Your Own Pee

Lightning Fast Midgets

Vikings With Sunburn

Unicorncycle

Water Polo Knife Fight

Tito Santana & The Breakfast Burritos

Turtleneck Wetsuit

Long Island Iced Barnyard

The City of Naples Hired Macgyver To Clean Up Their Trash But Found Out He Was Just An Actor With Feathered Hair

Leather Flavored Mayonnaise

Purgatory Only Hires Midgets

Denim Mittens

Bok Choy Fingernails

New Jersey Smells Like Burnt Skin and Iroc Z's

I Got Beat Up By That Wagon

Mandingo Was His Name OW!

Total Spiritual Creaminess

Break Dance Orbit

Thomas Edison Was The Voice of Gobo Fraggle

Gorky Parka

"This video may not be suitable for minors"

RehDogg is the unofficial poet laureate of Smash Hits, primarily because of the eloquent, James Lipton-worthy descriptions of his music. Witness, if you will, his most recent offering which he describes thus:

"This song pretty much states that I'm a laid back kind of guy but when trouble comes my way I will deal with it accordingly."

That's all well and good but does nothing to explain a) the refugee from the German Wham! cover band hiding in his kitchen, b) the knives and c)...what lurks in the Joe Boxers.

So much about this video is not OK.

The mind, it is blank

Girls With Attitude should not be confused with Niggas with Attitude. Nor anyone with actual talent or access to proper recording equipment.

They have, however, discovered the magical transformative powers of the "reverb" function. In this case, it elevates the vocals from merely off-key to downright creepy. Creepy like all of the little kids from 70s horror movies got together in a band.

GIRLS WITH ATTITUDE - "There Is Nothing In My Dreams"

Houston, we have a problem

Metaphors are great things. Nothing kills an otherwise decent song than totally literal descriptions of people and things - we're looking at you, Chad Kroeger. There should always be an element of poetry involved, especially when speaking of the magical experience of physical love between two consenting adults.

R. Kelly - whose dubious sanity has been previously showcased - takes this idea one step further with "Sex Planet." Yes, you read that correctly. The only real disappointment here is the glaring omission of a Uranus reference.

R. KELLY - "Sex Planet"
If you'd like to hear this set to music, here it is

Jupiter
Pluto
Venus and Saturn
I'm leaving Earth girl to explore your galaxy
Ten to zero
Blast off here we go
We'll be climax until we reach Mercury
Girl, Tell me are you ready girl
To take a trip out of this world
I guarantee you'll like it
It'll take your breath away
Gonna get you so excited
Once I've tasted your milky way
Girl spend the night come take a flight with me
Out into space

Girl you're sending me this sexual energies
And I gotta grab it
Right now I've gotta have it
Shooting stars, trip to mars
I can get us there from where we are
So don't trip I got a giant rocket
Climbing through just in your pocket??

[Chorus:]
Sex planet
Come fly away with me
Right in my ecstasy
Out in the galaxy
Sex planet
Get ready for take off babe (hmmm)
Have a safe trip babe

Now is just us both
I've got the control
In the middle of darkness
Girl relax and just flow
I'm about to twinkle and touch your soul
Once I am touring to your black hole (baby uhh)

Girl, now that you're next to me
We will be just like satelites
Watching over the Earth
We'll make space our paradise
Girl, I promise this will be painless (painless)
We'll take a trip to planet ??
Uh just put your trust in me
And girl I promise destination
Will be a trip that you will never forget
I'm gonna take you out of this world
So hold on tight my dear
I'm about to take you out of here
And get you to my

[Chorus:]
Sex planet
Come fly away with me
Right in my ecstasy
Out in the galaxy
Sex planet
Get ready for take off babe (hmmm)
Have a safe trip babe

Ohh

We'll stick a flag on the Moon
First couple to ever make love on planet Neptune (uuhh)
And if time allow us
We'll be gone for hours
I won't stop until I give you meteor showers
So if you want it say Uhh
And if you need it say uhh
If you really gotta have it say uhh
And you want me to take you to space

[Chorus: (2x)]
Sex planet
Come fly away with me
Right in my ecstasy
Out in the galaxy
Sex planet
Get ready for take off babe (hmmm)
Have a safe trip babe

So get ready for lift off babe
Get ready for lift off babe

[Kells:] You ready?
[Girl:] Yeah
[Kells:] Hold on to this
[Kells:] Here we go

Our mind is ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one...
Babe
Start our engines...
And now flyyyy slow
Uhh uhh baby (Flyyyy slow)
Say it feels so good
Girl when we (Flyyyy slow)
See my rocket is so full of fuel baby
Yes it (is Flyyyy slow)
Therefore
We can ride all through the night
(Flyyyy slow)
We won't stop babe
We won't stop babe

You go, girl

Doesn't it seem quaint when freshly-scrubbed prom queens like Beyonce and Rihanna try and get all Two Snaps & One Twist on their no-good, two-timing menfolk? Sure, they might dump some bleach on your clothes or take back the bling they bought you, but that's pretty weak in the grand scheme of women scorned. Left Eye at least set some dude's house on fire.

Riskay, on the other hand, would like to conduct a more scientific investigation to uncover her man's lack of fidelity. Before, yes, bleaching his clothes and chucking his iPhone in the bushes. Girlfriend does not play.



Which also brings to mind Khia, another ambassador of female empowerment. There is no prouder battle cry in the crusade for gender equality than "I am woman. Lick my crack."

Real Bands: X-Rated Edition

Porn is not only stimulating the economy but also the purveyors of Smash Hits. Ninjaface McGee brings you this week's round-up of bands that really exist but probably shouldn't.

Statutory Grape - the best is the extremely high usage of unicorns and "Neverending Story" like artwork on their page. You know this guy makes brownies out of Iggy Pop's used garbage he bought from eBay.

The Traceelords - I can't read German, but fuck yeah!

Porn Flakes - Porn puns are always fun like "Indian Johnson & The Testicle of Doom" or "Jurassic Pork" so we all have to support this fully.

Anaal Nathrakh - I actually like this band but "Wurt da hell r ya seyin?"

Headshot 72 - Just listen to it, their song titles are amazing.

Mandown - The only reason this is here is because their member pages are amazing and have better names than the actual band name itself. I mean how bad do you want to "Fukkus The Clown's" groupie?

Frickin A - God, I hope they were a Christian band! I don't know what's worse - that someone actually signed this band or that people got together and took this seriously and said "Yeah, let's call it Frickin A. Dude, that's awesome!"

Be a winner!

Who among us was not made better through the invaluable life lessons taught by one-hit wonder "Everyone's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)"? Pop music has been crying out for yet another inspirational spoken word juggernaut... Hasn't it? Well, maybe not, but that certainly isn't going to stop PHP. Now imagine that instead of the jaded tones of the poor man's Alan Arkin, it's Schwarzenegger imparting to you some of the following deep thoughts:

"Do bad and you will get bad"
"You are the winner in your life"
"Can you feel the heat in you?"
"If you do whatever you do, you will get whatever you get"
"It's hard to be a man and so easy to be an asshole"

The Secret has nothing on these guys. NADA.

PHP - "Be A Man"

A Hox be upon you

If Bret Michaels has taught us nothing as a culture, it should be that the bandana is indicative of two things: denial regarding one's hairline and questionable musical talent.

Hox, as he chooses to be called, has taken a halfhearted page from the "80s has-been by way of Pirates in Guido Town" sartorial playbook. When his press kit landed on the desk of a management company with the photo to the right included, someone rightfully asked, "How bad was the rest of the photo shoot that this was the one they sent out?" Indeed - just dead enough in the eyes with the GlamourShots backdrop is the combination for rock star success.

Have no fear, though, that the music is as specutacular as the photographic evidence would suggest - although you might be surprised to find that Hox is much more the witty singer-songwriter than his bandana and leather pants indicate.

Some of the fantastically named tracks on his debut album:

"Batgirl"

"Teenager Caught With Devo"

"I'm Glad You're Naked, Fran"

For a sampling of the musical stylings of Vernon, CT's own Hox, check out his MySpace. Particularly the song "Contagious," which features such poetry as rhythming "contagious" with "flirtatious" and "outrageous." Can anyone spot him a Valtrex?