Jesus has added you as a friend

Please confirm that you are indeed friends with Jesus.



Thanks, Stack

Your photo comments (and immortal soul) will be deleted! Hail Satan!

Horna (pictured at left, brought to you by Zubr beer) hails from Finland. A lot of crazy black metal seems to originate in Scandanavian countries, no?

Ninjaface McGee found this charming gem, noting "OK, so they don't win for the best band name, but perhaps one of the best bios ever."

It does seem quite fortunate that they were able to replace "the hammer of uncreation" without too much trouble. You wouldn't think you could just find another one of those on Craiglist, but what do I know?

"Thy sinister werewolf kult of Horna was born in 1993 by Shatraug and Moredhel. The hammer of uncreation, Gorthaur, joined in 1994 and the first release "Varjoissa" was created in 1995. Joined by Satanic Warmaster (prior known as Nazgul) in 1996, Horna set out the course lead by "Hiidentorni" all the way upon the grim splendour of "Sudentaival". In 2001 Satanic Warmaster was replaced by Corvus unveiling an entirely new era in our existence. In the summer of 2003 we found our current lead guitarist Saturnus and the unholy trinity of Shatraug-Corvus-Saturnus was born, a revelation that clouded any previous settlements. Even when we saw it necessary to replace Gorthaur our thrice cursed black core kept going on, with strength anew. NO PICTURE COMMENTS!!!! WE DELETE ALL!!!!"

Courtesy of MySpace

That just happened

Breaking news from the Department of Unnecessary Press Releases:

"GAGGLE OF COCKS Signs With SCREAMING FERRET WRECKORDS"

Courtesy of BLABBERMOUTH

No country for anyone

When you think about taking a trip to a magical land, does it involve rednecks and a guy wearing a Dr. Seuss hat? Are you ready? No...are you really, really ready? How about you people in the back?

Meet blues-rock outfit Complete: coming soon to a tractor pull near you.



For more - much, much more than you could ever want or need - check out this inexplicably comprehensive fan page.

Courtesy of JRG

Real Bands: They're huge in Europe

For those who consider the Scissor Sisters too subtle, Ass Hammer Records (yes, really) presents the jewel of its roster.
























Courtesy of Myspace

The lovers, the dreamers...and Toad

Mark Krump, a man with more passion than skill, presents his ode to perhaps the greatest level in Super Mario Kart. It was always my favorite, even when my friends would complain that we were all in danger of having a seizure.

Oddly enough, this song could have a similar effect.

Real Bands: OK, not really

How many among us have not taken a completely random phrase out of context and thought, "That would be a totally amazing name for a band!"

How many of us are searching for a moniker for our pop-metal-polka Beach Boys cover band or painfully hip indie side project?

Ninjaface McGee has some suggestions. He will demand a cut of your merch sales, though.

Go Drink Your Own Pee

Lightning Fast Midgets

Vikings With Sunburn

Unicorncycle

Water Polo Knife Fight

Tito Santana & The Breakfast Burritos

Turtleneck Wetsuit

Long Island Iced Barnyard

The City of Naples Hired Macgyver To Clean Up Their Trash But Found Out He Was Just An Actor With Feathered Hair

Leather Flavored Mayonnaise

Purgatory Only Hires Midgets

Denim Mittens

Bok Choy Fingernails

New Jersey Smells Like Burnt Skin and Iroc Z's

I Got Beat Up By That Wagon

Mandingo Was His Name OW!

Total Spiritual Creaminess

Break Dance Orbit

Thomas Edison Was The Voice of Gobo Fraggle

Gorky Parka

"This video may not be suitable for minors"

RehDogg is the unofficial poet laureate of Smash Hits, primarily because of the eloquent, James Lipton-worthy descriptions of his music. Witness, if you will, his most recent offering which he describes thus:

"This song pretty much states that I'm a laid back kind of guy but when trouble comes my way I will deal with it accordingly."

That's all well and good but does nothing to explain a) the refugee from the German Wham! cover band hiding in his kitchen, b) the knives and c)...what lurks in the Joe Boxers.

So much about this video is not OK.

The mind, it is blank

Girls With Attitude should not be confused with Niggas with Attitude. Nor anyone with actual talent or access to proper recording equipment.

They have, however, discovered the magical transformative powers of the "reverb" function. In this case, it elevates the vocals from merely off-key to downright creepy. Creepy like all of the little kids from 70s horror movies got together in a band.

GIRLS WITH ATTITUDE - "There Is Nothing In My Dreams"

Houston, we have a problem

Metaphors are great things. Nothing kills an otherwise decent song than totally literal descriptions of people and things - we're looking at you, Chad Kroeger. There should always be an element of poetry involved, especially when speaking of the magical experience of physical love between two consenting adults.

R. Kelly - whose dubious sanity has been previously showcased - takes this idea one step further with "Sex Planet." Yes, you read that correctly. The only real disappointment here is the glaring omission of a Uranus reference.

R. KELLY - "Sex Planet"
If you'd like to hear this set to music, here it is

Jupiter
Pluto
Venus and Saturn
I'm leaving Earth girl to explore your galaxy
Ten to zero
Blast off here we go
We'll be climax until we reach Mercury
Girl, Tell me are you ready girl
To take a trip out of this world
I guarantee you'll like it
It'll take your breath away
Gonna get you so excited
Once I've tasted your milky way
Girl spend the night come take a flight with me
Out into space

Girl you're sending me this sexual energies
And I gotta grab it
Right now I've gotta have it
Shooting stars, trip to mars
I can get us there from where we are
So don't trip I got a giant rocket
Climbing through just in your pocket??

[Chorus:]
Sex planet
Come fly away with me
Right in my ecstasy
Out in the galaxy
Sex planet
Get ready for take off babe (hmmm)
Have a safe trip babe

Now is just us both
I've got the control
In the middle of darkness
Girl relax and just flow
I'm about to twinkle and touch your soul
Once I am touring to your black hole (baby uhh)

Girl, now that you're next to me
We will be just like satelites
Watching over the Earth
We'll make space our paradise
Girl, I promise this will be painless (painless)
We'll take a trip to planet ??
Uh just put your trust in me
And girl I promise destination
Will be a trip that you will never forget
I'm gonna take you out of this world
So hold on tight my dear
I'm about to take you out of here
And get you to my

[Chorus:]
Sex planet
Come fly away with me
Right in my ecstasy
Out in the galaxy
Sex planet
Get ready for take off babe (hmmm)
Have a safe trip babe

Ohh

We'll stick a flag on the Moon
First couple to ever make love on planet Neptune (uuhh)
And if time allow us
We'll be gone for hours
I won't stop until I give you meteor showers
So if you want it say Uhh
And if you need it say uhh
If you really gotta have it say uhh
And you want me to take you to space

[Chorus: (2x)]
Sex planet
Come fly away with me
Right in my ecstasy
Out in the galaxy
Sex planet
Get ready for take off babe (hmmm)
Have a safe trip babe

So get ready for lift off babe
Get ready for lift off babe

[Kells:] You ready?
[Girl:] Yeah
[Kells:] Hold on to this
[Kells:] Here we go

Our mind is ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one...
Babe
Start our engines...
And now flyyyy slow
Uhh uhh baby (Flyyyy slow)
Say it feels so good
Girl when we (Flyyyy slow)
See my rocket is so full of fuel baby
Yes it (is Flyyyy slow)
Therefore
We can ride all through the night
(Flyyyy slow)
We won't stop babe
We won't stop babe