For those who find Limp Bizkit a little too woman-friendly, fat-guys-in-hoodies metal outfit Facecast is here with even less talent and a kitchen broom to regulate some lazy bitches. Remember - he only hits you because you cry. Or because you ate the last of the pork rinds.
Courtesy of I Used Everything I Had!
Monday, June 30, 2008
Someone has trust issues!
Lippsy Russell is fairly certain that his lady is being dishonest about the following, among other things:
The Moment of Truth missed out on a prime theme song opportunity, no doubt.
LIPPSY RUSSELL - "U Lyin"
- enjoying his music
- being gay
- giving other men access to her titties
- taking birth control
- having sex in the butt
The Moment of Truth missed out on a prime theme song opportunity, no doubt.
LIPPSY RUSSELL - "U Lyin"
Friday, June 27, 2008
Real Bands: Worst of '07
The AV Club at the Onion did the great service of tallying the most ridiculous band names of last year, based on real demo submissions.
Aren't we all waiting for a co-headline tour featuring Harmoinca Lewinsky and Baboon Torture Division?
This is simply the tip of the iceberg:
The Color Fred
Job For A Cowboy
Da Bears
From San Diego, home of Da Chargers.
Yo Mama's Big Fat Booty Band
Mental Afro
Shout Out Out Out Out
Dyslexic Speedreaders
The Asbestos Tampons
Malice In Wonderland
I Sank Molly Brown
Poetic Justice League 4 America
The Hobbits Of The Shire
Uprise Of The Dope Fiendz
Kidz In The Hall
Poets & Pornstars
Check out the whole list - complete with links.
Aren't we all waiting for a co-headline tour featuring Harmoinca Lewinsky and Baboon Torture Division?
This is simply the tip of the iceberg:
The Color Fred
Job For A Cowboy
Da Bears
From San Diego, home of Da Chargers.
Yo Mama's Big Fat Booty Band
Mental Afro
Shout Out Out Out Out
Dyslexic Speedreaders
The Asbestos Tampons
Malice In Wonderland
I Sank Molly Brown
Poetic Justice League 4 America
The Hobbits Of The Shire
Uprise Of The Dope Fiendz
Kidz In The Hall
Poets & Pornstars
Check out the whole list - complete with links.
What about you? How about not
Like a lot of pop music, this starts out innocuously enough. Actually, to be fair, the song itself resides comfortably in the murky purgatory of Not Horrible. It's certainly no worse than anything churned out by O-Town. Except O-Town didn't record in the "Be A Star" karaoke booth at the mall.
If you listen very carefully, you can almost hear puberty occurring.
JONATHAN - "Enough About Him"
If you listen very carefully, you can almost hear puberty occurring.
JONATHAN - "Enough About Him"
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Stop being polite and start getting real
R. Kelly is a bit of a conundrum. At some point - for reasons that are not entirely clear - he made the transformation from suave, elegant R&B ladies man to, for lack of a better term, batshit insane. Make no mistake - he is no less a perpetrator of Smash Hits just because he's condoned and financed by a major label. It seemed impossible that he could recapture the unabashed ludicrousness of "Trapped In The Closet," but that doesn't mean he didn't come damn close with "Real Talk." It's a mixture of spoken word poetry and that guy on the corner who yells obscenities at strangers.
If ever there was a song crying out to be covered by Ben Folds or Jack Handey, it would be this.
Fuck him? Nooo. Fuck you, girl.
If ever there was a song crying out to be covered by Ben Folds or Jack Handey, it would be this.
Fuck him? Nooo. Fuck you, girl.
The Radies Man: Heading right up your alley
Long before William Hung endeared himself to the nation by reinterpreting the modern classic "She Bangs," there was the Radies Man.First appearing on the aptly-named Poop Alley Tapes in 1995, the Radies Man provided a beacon of inspiration for those of questionable mental capacity and limited English skills. And for the record, what in fact is a "hungry donkey woman"?
RADIES MAN - "Honky Tonky Woman"
The rest of the included tracks also look incredibly promising. While The Rentals and Beck went on to varying degrees of commercial success, the careers of Waldo The Dog Faced Boy and Speculum Fight inexplicably never quite took off. Huh.
DISC ONE
The Rentals - "California"
Benett - "Love On The Rocks"
Recess - "Study No. 1 For Symphony No. 1"
Josh Haden - "Ten Nights"
Jackknife - "Teenage Blues"
that dog. - "Ridiculous"
Too Much Girl - "Fascinating Girl"
Radies Man - "Honky Tonky Woman"
The Strawberry Jams - "Kinda Sorta Maybe"
Rump - "Alan's Got An Axe To Grind"
Crib - "Sty"
Fleabag - "Fading Fast"
The Haves - "Nevadaesque"
The Neptunas - "Hot Custom Long Board"
Bobby & The Magic Pacer - "Drinking Dogs"
Waldo The Dog Faced Boy - "Turkey's Lament"
Speculum Fight - "Hello There Chico"
Rod Poole - "Excerpt From The Composition"
DISC TWO
Polar Goldie Cats - "Reverb Wa Doko"
Geraldine Fibbers - "He Stopped Loving Her Today"
Beck - "Girl Of My Dreams"
June Blake - "Adam In June"
Lowercase - "My Shame Your Shame"
Kryptonite Nixon - "Whiffle Ball"
Charles Brown Superstar - "Solid Gold"
Shady Ladies Of The Mother Lode - "Moistened"
Danny Frankel - "Rainbow Wig On Haight St."
Brown Cow - "Out?"
Nastassya Filippovna - "Ungodly Purple Watt"
Vector 3Niner - "The Deep Complexity Of Quotidian Chaos (Let's Vector)"
Slug - "Silver Man"
Courtesy of Wikipedia
Cougar alert raised to red
It's often the case in hip hop that the hook is the make-or-break factor. Cuddlebone decided to stray from the traditional path of having a golden-voiced chanteuse warble the chorus to his self-referential track - instead it sounds like he recruited the elderly homeless woman who sleeps in the alley behind the liquor store. After gargling with a shot of Cutty Sark, she was ready to go.
Have fun trying to make sense of the rest of it, in particular the part about marbles.
CUDDLEBONE - "Hey, Cuddlebone"
Have fun trying to make sense of the rest of it, in particular the part about marbles.
CUDDLEBONE - "Hey, Cuddlebone"
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Even trailer trash needs an anthem
Generally the brilliance of a Smash Hit comes from unintentional comedy. Robby Roadsteamer, on the other hand, is a real band whose comedy is more or less intentional. Imagine a collaboration between Andrew WK and Journey, and you're on the right track.
There are many particularly awesome things about this song, not the least of which is the notion that she takes care of the baby and he goes to play keno. Who plays keno?
There are many particularly awesome things about this song, not the least of which is the notion that she takes care of the baby and he goes to play keno. Who plays keno?
Love in the time of MySpace
Allow internet lothario Capeletti to wax poetic on the subject of web cams via bad samples and even worse opera. It's sort of like being at a rave in your cousin's basement, only without the strobe light from the hardware store and lots of Boone's Farm. A lot of the lyrics are unintelligible, but that's probably for the best.
CAPELETTI - "Web Cam"
CAPELETTI - "Web Cam"
The Devil Went Down To Jersey
Mychal Kelly is a man of many personas. On the one hand, he's a creator of hilariously awful pop songs, that range from merely bad to outright ridiculous.He fashions himself as some kind of charismatic prince of dark magic - the Criss Angel of West Caldwell. One of his albums in the Jersey Devil series is called "Quietly Judging You" - he will mindfreak you with self-doubt.
Should it even be addressed that he appears to be wearing leather chaps over boxer briefs in many of his promotional shots? You're right, let's just leave that alone.
Apparently he also directs and stars in not one but two "films" that are sort of like the Blair Witch Project, only with no budget and featuring Hot Topic goths with striped arm socks. In a particularly excellent clip, there is joy-riding, reverse smoking and an emo girl getting run over.
Not doubt, however, Mychal Kelly wants to be known for his music. His actual submission to a major label to get a record deal was "Exposure." There's something for everyone here - late-80s pop styling, unfortunate attempts at beatboxing, and the phrase "snap that thong against your skin." Who says dudes from Jersey aren't classy?
MYCHAL KELLY - "Exposure"
To be quietly judged, check out Mychal Kelly Online.
Who can really satisfy you?
Have you ever wondered what it would sound like if Smoove B recorded an album in the style of Bill Withers, using only the default rhythm setting on a $15 Casio keyboard?
Of course you haven't.
Nevertheless, enjoy this fine offering from Don Blackwood - sincere ladies' man and enemy of auto-tune.
DON BLACKWOOD - "Name Just One"
Of course you haven't.
Nevertheless, enjoy this fine offering from Don Blackwood - sincere ladies' man and enemy of auto-tune.
DON BLACKWOOD - "Name Just One"
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
No hamsters!
Rare is the Smash Hit that you actually get to see live on stage. By accident.
The Black Death aka Beer Vampire (there was some confusion as to their actual name) had gained some small amount of infamy from appearing on late-night cable access in Brooklyn. Somehow this translated into a gig at the Luna Lounge.
Once it became clear that the overweight, 40-something men puttering around the stage were not in fact roadies for the other bands on the bill, the small audience was treated to a mixture of terrible, monotone punk and rants about how the club had put the wrong name on schedule posted outside. "We're called the Black Death," sulked the bass player who no doubt belongs to a welder's union. "Our first album was called Beer Vampire...so yeah. Anyway. That's fucked up."
The shining moment of their set came with this lovely ode to all things feline:
BLACK DEATH - "I Like P"
Take note: hamsters and farm animals need not apply.
The Black Death aka Beer Vampire (there was some confusion as to their actual name) had gained some small amount of infamy from appearing on late-night cable access in Brooklyn. Somehow this translated into a gig at the Luna Lounge.
Once it became clear that the overweight, 40-something men puttering around the stage were not in fact roadies for the other bands on the bill, the small audience was treated to a mixture of terrible, monotone punk and rants about how the club had put the wrong name on schedule posted outside. "We're called the Black Death," sulked the bass player who no doubt belongs to a welder's union. "Our first album was called Beer Vampire...so yeah. Anyway. That's fucked up."
The shining moment of their set came with this lovely ode to all things feline:
BLACK DEATH - "I Like P"
Take note: hamsters and farm animals need not apply.
Real Bands: The Top Ten
For some time now, there has been an ongoing competition to find the most ridiculously named bands currently operating both online and in the real world. And make no mistake - there are many. It begs the question - did these folks have serious aspirations for legitmiate success?
Every week Ninjaface McGee will bring you the round up of real bands with most off-beat, offensive or just plain stupid monikers.
In the meantime, here are his Top Ten Real Bands:
Honest Bob & The Factory-To-Dealer Incentives
If he had better financing then he'd be off the charts but I can understand with today's gas prices why some people shy away.
Bathtub Shitter
There's obviously going to be a ton of grind/death & black metal bands on this list as they tend to have the best sense of humor. This takes the cake cause you know it had to really happen to one of the band members in some capacity, while I don't care to learn the full description it proves that toilets are just useless. Except for brushing your teeth.
Sexual Pantalones
Honestly, the best thing about this band is the fact that their logo is a dancing taco wearing a cowboy hat. Now if they only had a live mascot in the same gear and dubbed him "Senor Lechuga" that would be something. Then it would bridge the gap between the fans and his moustache wearing taco attitude.
Hydraulic Sandwich
I originally would use this as a weapon to ward off evil lunch ladies but upon closer inspection they just wear hair nets and have no desire to mess around in Olympic Track & Field events.
Hot Fudge Monday
There are an awful lot of "H" names in this list. Maybe we should make a movie based on the letter "H" like the number 23 but call it "Dinosaur Joe Makes a Comeback." That way everyone in the world will know exactly what the plot of the movie entails.
Hostile Omish
This will spawn a new breed of rappers such as "Cornface Killah", "Lil Wagon" & "The Black Hat". Do we have to name their mechanical royalties something else in order for them to collect?
Kampfar
Where'd you guys go on vacation? Oh, we went to Kampfar. Wow, was it the black metal winter camp you've always dreamed of? At least they don't have to travel far to take the black metal nature photos...or do they?
Cockpunch
The best mascot, the best merch, the music is good too. They just need to do a "versus" tour with someone like Meg & Dia, for the sheer fact the poster could read "Meg & Dia vs. Cockpunch". That would be fucking awesome!
We Smoke Fags
Granted this means something completely different to the English, but all I can think about is that Family Guy episode where Peter says, "Well, somebody tell this cigarette to get away from me."
Taint
aka Gitch, aka the Gooch, aka Heesh, aka the Gaza Strip
Every week Ninjaface McGee will bring you the round up of real bands with most off-beat, offensive or just plain stupid monikers.
In the meantime, here are his Top Ten Real Bands:
Honest Bob & The Factory-To-Dealer Incentives
If he had better financing then he'd be off the charts but I can understand with today's gas prices why some people shy away.
Bathtub Shitter
There's obviously going to be a ton of grind/death & black metal bands on this list as they tend to have the best sense of humor. This takes the cake cause you know it had to really happen to one of the band members in some capacity, while I don't care to learn the full description it proves that toilets are just useless. Except for brushing your teeth.
Sexual Pantalones
Honestly, the best thing about this band is the fact that their logo is a dancing taco wearing a cowboy hat. Now if they only had a live mascot in the same gear and dubbed him "Senor Lechuga" that would be something. Then it would bridge the gap between the fans and his moustache wearing taco attitude.
Hydraulic Sandwich
I originally would use this as a weapon to ward off evil lunch ladies but upon closer inspection they just wear hair nets and have no desire to mess around in Olympic Track & Field events.
Hot Fudge Monday
There are an awful lot of "H" names in this list. Maybe we should make a movie based on the letter "H" like the number 23 but call it "Dinosaur Joe Makes a Comeback." That way everyone in the world will know exactly what the plot of the movie entails.
Hostile Omish
This will spawn a new breed of rappers such as "Cornface Killah", "Lil Wagon" & "The Black Hat". Do we have to name their mechanical royalties something else in order for them to collect?
Kampfar
Where'd you guys go on vacation? Oh, we went to Kampfar. Wow, was it the black metal winter camp you've always dreamed of? At least they don't have to travel far to take the black metal nature photos...or do they?
Cockpunch
The best mascot, the best merch, the music is good too. They just need to do a "versus" tour with someone like Meg & Dia, for the sheer fact the poster could read "Meg & Dia vs. Cockpunch". That would be fucking awesome!
We Smoke Fags
Granted this means something completely different to the English, but all I can think about is that Family Guy episode where Peter says, "Well, somebody tell this cigarette to get away from me."
Taint
aka Gitch, aka the Gooch, aka Heesh, aka the Gaza Strip
Speak, prophet of peace
Unlike Ill Mitch, Speak is a legitimate Hungarian rapper - or trying to be anyway. Imagine Dolf Lundgren preaching about ending war while alternately wandering through a cemetery in the middle of the afternoon or leaning on a rented vehicle. As amazing as all of that, what really makes it special is the motley crew singing the hook - it's Hungary's answer to Il Divo.
Yes, sometimes people make a war, but if we can catch the bad man - well, it's a little unclear what's going on, but at least Tupac gets some props.
So in the great tradition of peace anthems and wicked flow from the Eastern Bloc, you please enjoy:
Yes, sometimes people make a war, but if we can catch the bad man - well, it's a little unclear what's going on, but at least Tupac gets some props.
So in the great tradition of peace anthems and wicked flow from the Eastern Bloc, you please enjoy:
Fast & Danger: Meet Ill Mitch
Ill Mitch was, in many ways, the Borat of the original Smash Hits collection. "Fast & Danger," an ode to his skateboard, boxing and his prowess with the laydeez, was one of the more popular selections.At the time, there was some debate among the involved parties over whether Ill Mitch was a joke or a legimiate skateboarding Russian rapper. It seemed too good to be true - something about painfully broken English and a bad accent never fails to translate (haha, you see what I did there?) into unintentional comedy. Fast and danger, indeed.
Unfortunately, in hingdsight, it's fairly evident that Ill Mitch is a character rather than the genuine article. He's still going strong after all these years, and his website now has a reasonably entertaining video section.
Both his albums are now available on iTunes, shockingly enough.
Album of the year, hands down
Heavy Heavy Low Low are now set to release their new album "Turtle Nipple And The Toxic Shock" on August 19th through New Weathermen/Ferret. The track listing for the effort shapes up as follows:
01 - "Hahahahahahaha"
02 - "Giant Mantis VS. TURT nip"
03 - "How Many Dad's Must Eat Themselves?"
04 - "3000, 100 Points, 100pts, Gummy Octopi"
05 - "H.D.EYE Hybrid Cyborg"
06 - "Trot Line Beer Can"
07 - "The Toxic Shock Mountain Blues"
08 - "R4TB3LLY"
09 - "Eagle Mewnadria"
10 - "Supernova Ninja Surfers"
11 - "Is This Your Homework?"
12 - "Green Genes"
13 - "Wasted" (Black Flag Cover)
14 - "Rotten Church / Mall / Parking Lot"
15 - "Please, That Bitch Will Outlive Us All"
Secret Track - "Longterm Exposure, Short Term Damage"
The effort will be preceded by a self-titled, digital-only EP on June 24th, the track listing for which runs as follows:
01 - "H.D.EYE Hybrid Cyborg"
02 - "Wasted" (Black Flag Cover)
03 - "Are You Ok Kiddo?" (Fuck It Version)
04 - "Inhalent Abuse"
05 - "Pizza Party"
06 - "Tragic Tragic Track Jacket"
07 - "Texas Chainsaw Mascer-Uh" (Fuck It Version)
08 - "Tell Shannon Her Crafts Are Ready"
Courtesy of http://www.theprp.com/
01 - "Hahahahahahaha"
02 - "Giant Mantis VS. TURT nip"
03 - "How Many Dad's Must Eat Themselves?"
04 - "3000, 100 Points, 100pts, Gummy Octopi"
05 - "H.D.EYE Hybrid Cyborg"
06 - "Trot Line Beer Can"
07 - "The Toxic Shock Mountain Blues"
08 - "R4TB3LLY"
09 - "Eagle Mewnadria"
10 - "Supernova Ninja Surfers"
11 - "Is This Your Homework?"
12 - "Green Genes"
13 - "Wasted" (Black Flag Cover)
14 - "Rotten Church / Mall / Parking Lot"
15 - "Please, That Bitch Will Outlive Us All"
Secret Track - "Longterm Exposure, Short Term Damage"
The effort will be preceded by a self-titled, digital-only EP on June 24th, the track listing for which runs as follows:
01 - "H.D.EYE Hybrid Cyborg"
02 - "Wasted" (Black Flag Cover)
03 - "Are You Ok Kiddo?" (Fuck It Version)
04 - "Inhalent Abuse"
05 - "Pizza Party"
06 - "Tragic Tragic Track Jacket"
07 - "Texas Chainsaw Mascer-Uh" (Fuck It Version)
08 - "Tell Shannon Her Crafts Are Ready"
Courtesy of http://www.theprp.com/
RehDogg: a Smash Hits primer
Let's face it - there are a lot of untalented people out there. Music is harder than it looks, my friends. Even thunderously average music requires a certain level of Neanderthal brilliance. (So easy even Chad Kroeger can do it!) It's not like just anyone can sit down and bang out a trite, derivative yet commercially viable radio hook. That kind of highly-valued mediocrity is created in labs from call-out research and survey groups and probably some kind of ancient voodoo ritual.
Nevertheless, there's a lot of average floating around - some halfway decent average, some bad average, some boring average. Some average that sells millions, some average that couldn't get its mom to come to a gig.
However.
When the needle slips below the very generous purgatory of the average or even of "not horrible," we enter the murky water of things that are bad. Lots of things are bad, but certain things are so overwhelming, spectacularly terrible that they take on a certain aura that can best be described as "Oh my God - seriously?"
Take, for instance, prolific hip hop wordsmith RehDogg:
Let's examine how RehDogg manages to elevate his game from merely untalented to bona fide Smash Hit:
Nevertheless, there's a lot of average floating around - some halfway decent average, some bad average, some boring average. Some average that sells millions, some average that couldn't get its mom to come to a gig.
However.
When the needle slips below the very generous purgatory of the average or even of "not horrible," we enter the murky water of things that are bad. Lots of things are bad, but certain things are so overwhelming, spectacularly terrible that they take on a certain aura that can best be described as "Oh my God - seriously?"
Take, for instance, prolific hip hop wordsmith RehDogg:
Let's examine how RehDogg manages to elevate his game from merely untalented to bona fide Smash Hit:
- Giving even Ja Rule a run for his money for suspected Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
- Two words: shower scene
- Completely nonsensical lyrics (at varying tempos) apparently have "deep meaning"
- Production budget of $2 and a case of orange soda
- Is completely, unabashedly Not Kidding
It's recommended that you check out RehDogg's entire catalogue on YouTube, if only for the stellar description of his inspiration for "You Say I'm Ugly" the REMIX (of course):
This song is a remix the original song was produced because a man whom had a very close friend hurt his feelings by calling him ugly. the song became extremely popular hence the remix was born. The remix basically has the same elements as the first but also added hurt from rejection by Asian women.
Preach on, brother.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
