Smash Hits

Jesus has added you as a friend

2008-09-10T16:19:00.003-04:00

Please confirm that you are indeed friends with Jesus.

Thanks, Stack

Your photo comments (and immortal soul) will be deleted! Hail Satan!

2008-09-09T13:38:00.009-04:00

Horna (pictured at left, brought to you by Zubr beer) hails from Finland. A lot of crazy black metal seems to originate in Scandanavian countries, no?

Ninjaface McGee found this charming gem, noting "OK, so they don't win for the best band name, but perhaps one of the best bios ever."

It does seem quite fortunate that they were able to replace "the hammer of uncreation" without too much trouble. You wouldn't think you could just find another one of those on Craiglist, but what do I know?

"Thy sinister werewolf kult of Horna was born in 1993 by Shatraug and Moredhel. The hammer of uncreation, Gorthaur, joined in 1994 and the first release "Varjoissa" was created in 1995. Joined by Satanic Warmaster (prior known as Nazgul) in 1996, Horna set out the course lead by "Hiidentorni" all the way upon the grim splendour of "Sudentaival". In 2001 Satanic Warmaster was replaced by Corvus unveiling an entirely new era in our existence. In the summer of 2003 we found our current lead guitarist Saturnus and the unholy trinity of Shatraug-Corvus-Saturnus was born, a revelation that clouded any previous settlements. Even when we saw it necessary to replace Gorthaur our thrice cursed black core kept going on, with strength anew. NO PICTURE COMMENTS!!!! WE DELETE ALL!!!!"

Courtesy of MySpace

That just happened

2008-08-21T16:37:00.005-04:00

Breaking news from the Department of Unnecessary Press Releases:

"GAGGLE OF COCKS Signs With SCREAMING FERRET WRECKORDS"

Courtesy of BLABBERMOUTH

No country for anyone

2008-08-21T12:22:00.004-04:00

When you think about taking a trip to a magical land, does it involve rednecks and a guy wearing a Dr. Seuss hat? Are you ready? No...are you really, really ready? How about you people in the back?

Meet blues-rock outfit Complete: coming soon to a tractor pull near you.

For more - much, much more than you could ever want or need - check out this inexplicably comprehensive fan page.

Courtesy of JRG

Real Bands: They're huge in Europe

2008-08-12T15:05:00.004-04:00

For those who consider the Scissor Sisters too subtle, Ass Hammer Records (yes, really) presents the jewel of its roster.

Courtesy of Myspace

The lovers, the dreamers...and Toad

2008-07-21T13:25:00.005-04:00

Mark Krump, a man with more passion than skill, presents his ode to perhaps the greatest level in Super Mario Kart. It was always my favorite, even when my friends would complain that we were all in danger of having a seizure.

Oddly enough, this song could have a similar effect.

Real Bands: OK, not really

2008-07-18T15:30:00.002-04:00

How many among us have not taken a completely random phrase out of context and thought, "That would be a totally amazing name for a band!"

How many of us are searching for a moniker for our pop-metal-polka Beach Boys cover band or painfully hip indie side project?

Ninjaface McGee has some suggestions. He will demand a cut of your merch sales, though.

Go Drink Your Own Pee

Lightning Fast Midgets

Vikings With Sunburn

Unicorncycle

Water Polo Knife Fight

Tito Santana & The Breakfast Burritos

Turtleneck Wetsuit

Long Island Iced Barnyard

The City of Naples Hired Macgyver To Clean Up Their Trash But Found Out He Was Just An Actor With Feathered Hair

Leather Flavored Mayonnaise

Purgatory Only Hires Midgets

Denim Mittens

Bok Choy Fingernails

New Jersey Smells Like Burnt Skin and Iroc Z's

I Got Beat Up By That Wagon

Mandingo Was His Name OW!

Total Spiritual Creaminess

Break Dance Orbit

Thomas Edison Was The Voice of Gobo Fraggle

Gorky Parka

"This video may not be suitable for minors"

2008-07-15T13:44:00.004-04:00

RehDogg is the unofficial poet laureate of Smash Hits, primarily because of the eloquent, James Lipton-worthy descriptions of his music. Witness, if you will, his most recent offering which he describes thus:

"This song pretty much states that I'm a laid back kind of guy but when trouble comes my way I will deal with it accordingly."

That's all well and good but does nothing to explain a) the refugee from the German Wham! cover band hiding in his kitchen, b) the knives and c)...what lurks in the Joe Boxers.

So much about this video is not OK.

The mind, it is blank

2008-07-14T15:48:00.003-04:00

Girls With Attitude should not be confused with Niggas with Attitude. Nor anyone with actual talent or access to proper recording equipment.

They have, however, discovered the magical transformative powers of the "reverb" function. In this case, it elevates the vocals from merely off-key to downright creepy. Creepy like all of the little kids from 70s horror movies got together in a band.

GIRLS WITH ATTITUDE - "There Is Nothing In My Dreams"

Houston, we have a problem

2008-07-10T13:39:00.007-04:00

Metaphors are great things. Nothing kills an otherwise decent song than totally literal descriptions of people and things - we're looking at you, Chad Kroeger. There should always be an element of poetry involved, especially when speaking of the magical experience of physical love between two consenting adults.

R. Kelly - whose dubious sanity has been previously showcased - takes this idea one step further with "Sex Planet." Yes, you read that correctly. The only real disappointment here is the glaring omission of a Uranus reference.

R. KELLY - "Sex Planet"
If you'd like to hear this set to music, here it is

Jupiter
Pluto
Venus and Saturn
I'm leaving Earth girl to explore your galaxy
Ten to zero
Blast off here we go
We'll be climax until we reach Mercury
Girl, Tell me are you ready girl
To take a trip out of this world
I guarantee you'll like it
It'll take your breath away
Gonna get you so excited
Once I've tasted your milky way
Girl spend the night come take a flight with me
Out into space

Girl you're sending me this sexual energies
And I gotta grab it
Right now I've gotta have it
Shooting stars, trip to mars
I can get us there from where we are
So don't trip I got a giant rocket
Climbing through just in your pocket??

[Chorus:]
Sex planet
Come fly away with me
Right in my ecstasy
Out in the galaxy
Sex planet
Get ready for take off babe (hmmm)
Have a safe trip babe

Now is just us both
I've got the control
In the middle of darkness
Girl relax and just flow
I'm about to twinkle and touch your soul
Once I am touring to your black hole (baby uhh)

Girl, now that you're next to me
We will be just like satelites
Watching over the Earth
We'll make space our paradise
Girl, I promise this will be painless (painless)
We'll take a trip to planet ??
Uh just put your trust in me
And girl I promise destination
Will be a trip that you will never forget
I'm gonna take you out of this world
So hold on tight my dear
I'm about to take you out of here
And get you to my

[Chorus:]
Sex planet
Come fly away with me
Right in my ecstasy
Out in the galaxy
Sex planet
Get ready for take off babe (hmmm)
Have a safe trip babe

Ohh

We'll stick a flag on the Moon
First couple to ever make love on planet Neptune (uuhh)
And if time allow us
We'll be gone for hours
I won't stop until I give you meteor showers
So if you want it say Uhh
And if you need it say uhh
If you really gotta have it say uhh
And you want me to take you to space

[Chorus: (2x)]
Sex planet
Come fly away with me
Right in my ecstasy
Out in the galaxy
Sex planet
Get ready for take off babe (hmmm)
Have a safe trip babe

So get ready for lift off babe
Get ready for lift off babe

[Kells:] You ready?
[Girl:] Yeah
[Kells:] Hold on to this
[Kells:] Here we go

Our mind is ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one...
Babe
Start our engines...
And now flyyyy slow
Uhh uhh baby (Flyyyy slow)
Say it feels so good
Girl when we (Flyyyy slow)
See my rocket is so full of fuel baby
Yes it (is Flyyyy slow)
Therefore
We can ride all through the night
(Flyyyy slow)
We won't stop babe
We won't stop babe

You go, girl

2008-07-10T10:47:00.007-04:00

Doesn't it seem quaint when freshly-scrubbed prom queens like Beyonce and Rihanna try and get all Two Snaps & One Twist on their no-good, two-timing menfolk? Sure, they might dump some bleach on your clothes or take back the bling they bought you, but that's pretty weak in the grand scheme of women scorned. Left Eye at least set some dude's house on fire.

Riskay, on the other hand, would like to conduct a more scientific investigation to uncover her man's lack of fidelity. Before, yes, bleaching his clothes and chucking his iPhone in the bushes. Girlfriend does not play.

Which also brings to mind Khia, another ambassador of female empowerment. There is no prouder battle cry in the crusade for gender equality than "I am woman. Lick my crack."

Real Bands: X-Rated Edition

2008-07-08T17:28:00.004-04:00

Porn is not only stimulating the economy but also the purveyors of Smash Hits. Ninjaface McGee brings you this week's round-up of bands that really exist but probably shouldn't.

Statutory Grape - the best is the extremely high usage of unicorns and "Neverending Story" like artwork on their page. You know this guy makes brownies out of Iggy Pop's used garbage he bought from eBay.

The Traceelords - I can't read German, but fuck yeah!

Porn Flakes - Porn puns are always fun like "Indian Johnson & The Testicle of Doom" or "Jurassic Pork" so we all have to support this fully.

Anaal Nathrakh - I actually like this band but "Wurt da hell r ya seyin?"

Headshot 72 - Just listen to it, their song titles are amazing.

Mandown - The only reason this is here is because their member pages are amazing and have better names than the actual band name itself. I mean how bad do you want to "Fukkus The Clown's" groupie?

Frickin A - God, I hope they were a Christian band! I don't know what's worse - that someone actually signed this band or that people got together and took this seriously and said "Yeah, let's call it Frickin A. Dude, that's awesome!"

Be a winner!

2008-07-07T15:43:00.000-04:00

Who among us was not made better through the invaluable life lessons taught by one-hit wonder "Everyone's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)"? Pop music has been crying out for yet another inspirational spoken word juggernaut... Hasn't it? Well, maybe not, but that certainly isn't going to stop PHP. Now imagine that instead of the jaded tones of the poor man's Alan Arkin, it's Schwarzenegger imparting to you some of the following deep thoughts:

"Do bad and you will get bad"
"You are the winner in your life"
"Can you feel the heat in you?"
"If you do whatever you do, you will get whatever you get"
"It's hard to be a man and so easy to be an asshole"

The Secret has nothing on these guys. NADA.

PHP - "Be A Man"

A Hox be upon you

2008-07-07T14:06:00.004-04:00

If Bret Michaels has taught us nothing as a culture, it should be that the bandana is indicative of two things: denial regarding one's hairline and questionable musical talent.

Hox, as he chooses to be called, has taken a halfhearted page from the "80s has-been by way of Pirates in Guido Town" sartorial playbook. When his press kit landed on the desk of a management company with the photo to the right included, someone rightfully asked, "How bad was the rest of the photo shoot that this was the one they sent out?" Indeed - just dead enough in the eyes with the GlamourShots backdrop is the combination for rock star success.

Have no fear, though, that the music is as specutacular as the photographic evidence would suggest - although you might be surprised to find that Hox is much more the witty singer-songwriter than his bandana and leather pants indicate.

Some of the fantastically named tracks on his debut album:

"Batgirl"

"Teenager Caught With Devo"

"I'm Glad You're Naked, Fran"

For a sampling of the musical stylings of Vernon, CT's own Hox, check out his MySpace. Particularly the song "Contagious," which features such poetry as rhythming "contagious" with "flirtatious" and "outrageous." Can anyone spot him a Valtrex?

"Wifebeater" - yes, really

2008-06-30T14:48:00.002-04:00

For those who find Limp Bizkit a little too woman-friendly, fat-guys-in-hoodies metal outfit Facecast is here with even less talent and a kitchen broom to regulate some lazy bitches. Remember - he only hits you because you cry. Or because you ate the last of the pork rinds.

Courtesy of I Used Everything I Had!

How not to pick a stage name

2008-06-30T13:03:00.008-04:00

Courtesy of MySpace

Someone has trust issues!

2008-06-30T10:30:00.008-04:00

Lippsy Russell is fairly certain that his lady is being dishonest about the following, among other things:

enjoying his music

being gay

giving other men access to her titties

taking birth control

having sex in the butt

The Moment of Truth missed out on a prime theme song opportunity, no doubt.

LIPPSY RUSSELL - "U Lyin"

Real Bands: Worst of '07

2008-06-27T16:53:00.004-04:00

The AV Club at the Onion did the great service of tallying the most ridiculous band names of last year, based on real demo submissions.

Aren't we all waiting for a co-headline tour featuring Harmoinca Lewinsky and Baboon Torture Division?

This is simply the tip of the iceberg:

The Color Fred
Job For A Cowboy
Da Bears
From San Diego, home of Da Chargers.
Yo Mama's Big Fat Booty Band
Mental Afro
Shout Out Out Out Out
Dyslexic Speedreaders
The Asbestos Tampons
Malice In Wonderland
I Sank Molly Brown
Poetic Justice League 4 America
The Hobbits Of The Shire
Uprise Of The Dope Fiendz
Kidz In The Hall
Poets & Pornstars

Check out the whole list - complete with links.

What about you? How about not

2008-06-27T11:49:00.005-04:00

Like a lot of pop music, this starts out innocuously enough. Actually, to be fair, the song itself resides comfortably in the murky purgatory of Not Horrible. It's certainly no worse than anything churned out by O-Town. Except O-Town didn't record in the "Be A Star" karaoke booth at the mall.

If you listen very carefully, you can almost hear puberty occurring.

JONATHAN - "Enough About Him"

Stop being polite and start getting real

2008-06-26T18:50:00.011-04:00

R. Kelly is a bit of a conundrum. At some point - for reasons that are not entirely clear - he made the transformation from suave, elegant R&B ladies man to, for lack of a better term, batshit insane. Make no mistake - he is no less a perpetrator of Smash Hits just because he's condoned and financed by a major label. It seemed impossible that he could recapture the unabashed ludicrousness of "Trapped In The Closet," but that doesn't mean he didn't come damn close with "Real Talk." It's a mixture of spoken word poetry and that guy on the corner who yells obscenities at strangers.

If ever there was a song crying out to be covered by Ben Folds or Jack Handey, it would be this.

Fuck him? Nooo. Fuck you, girl.

The Radies Man: Heading right up your alley

2008-06-26T12:05:00.006-04:00

Long before William Hung endeared himself to the nation by reinterpreting the modern classic "She Bangs," there was the Radies Man.

First appearing on the aptly-named Poop Alley Tapes in 1995, the Radies Man provided a beacon of inspiration for those of questionable mental capacity and limited English skills. And for the record, what in fact is a "hungry donkey woman"?

RADIES MAN - "Honky Tonky Woman"

The rest of the included tracks also look incredibly promising. While The Rentals and Beck went on to varying degrees of commercial success, the careers of Waldo The Dog Faced Boy and Speculum Fight inexplicably never quite took off. Huh.

DISC ONE
The Rentals - "California"
Benett - "Love On The Rocks"
Recess - "Study No. 1 For Symphony No. 1"
Josh Haden - "Ten Nights"
Jackknife - "Teenage Blues"
that dog. - "Ridiculous"
Too Much Girl - "Fascinating Girl"
Radies Man - "Honky Tonky Woman"
The Strawberry Jams - "Kinda Sorta Maybe"
Rump - "Alan's Got An Axe To Grind"
Crib - "Sty"
Fleabag - "Fading Fast"
The Haves - "Nevadaesque"
The Neptunas - "Hot Custom Long Board"
Bobby & The Magic Pacer - "Drinking Dogs"
Waldo The Dog Faced Boy - "Turkey's Lament"
Speculum Fight - "Hello There Chico"
Rod Poole - "Excerpt From The Composition"

DISC TWO
Polar Goldie Cats - "Reverb Wa Doko"
Geraldine Fibbers - "He Stopped Loving Her Today"
Beck - "Girl Of My Dreams"
June Blake - "Adam In June"
Lowercase - "My Shame Your Shame"
Kryptonite Nixon - "Whiffle Ball"
Charles Brown Superstar - "Solid Gold"
Shady Ladies Of The Mother Lode - "Moistened"
Danny Frankel - "Rainbow Wig On Haight St."
Brown Cow - "Out?"
Nastassya Filippovna - "Ungodly Purple Watt"
Vector 3Niner - "The Deep Complexity Of Quotidian Chaos (Let's Vector)"
Slug - "Silver Man"

Courtesy of Wikipedia

Cougar alert raised to red

2008-06-26T10:31:00.006-04:00

It's often the case in hip hop that the hook is the make-or-break factor. Cuddlebone decided to stray from the traditional path of having a golden-voiced chanteuse warble the chorus to his self-referential track - instead it sounds like he recruited the elderly homeless woman who sleeps in the alley behind the liquor store. After gargling with a shot of Cutty Sark, she was ready to go.

Have fun trying to make sense of the rest of it, in particular the part about marbles.

CUDDLEBONE - "Hey, Cuddlebone"

Even trailer trash needs an anthem

2008-06-25T19:19:00.002-04:00

Generally the brilliance of a Smash Hit comes from unintentional comedy. Robby Roadsteamer, on the other hand, is a real band whose comedy is more or less intentional. Imagine a collaboration between Andrew WK and Journey, and you're on the right track.

There are many particularly awesome things about this song, not the least of which is the notion that she takes care of the baby and he goes to play keno. Who plays keno?

Love in the time of MySpace

2008-06-25T17:00:00.008-04:00

Allow internet lothario Capeletti to wax poetic on the subject of web cams via bad samples and even worse opera. It's sort of like being at a rave in your cousin's basement, only without the strobe light from the hardware store and lots of Boone's Farm. A lot of the lyrics are unintelligible, but that's probably for the best.

CAPELETTI - "Web Cam"

The Devil Went Down To Jersey

2008-06-25T12:02:00.004-04:00

Mychal Kelly is a man of many personas. On the one hand, he's a creator of hilariously awful pop songs, that range from merely bad to outright ridiculous.

He fashions himself as some kind of charismatic prince of dark magic - the Criss Angel of West Caldwell. One of his albums in the Jersey Devil series is called "Quietly Judging You" - he will mindfreak you with self-doubt.

Should it even be addressed that he appears to be wearing leather chaps over boxer briefs in many of his promotional shots? You're right, let's just leave that alone.

Apparently he also directs and stars in not one but two "films" that are sort of like the Blair Witch Project, only with no budget and featuring Hot Topic goths with striped arm socks. In a particularly excellent clip, there is joy-riding, reverse smoking and an emo girl getting run over.

Not doubt, however, Mychal Kelly wants to be known for his music. His actual submission to a major label to get a record deal was "Exposure." There's something for everyone here - late-80s pop styling, unfortunate attempts at beatboxing, and the phrase "snap that thong against your skin." Who says dudes from Jersey aren't classy?

MYCHAL KELLY - "Exposure"

To be quietly judged, check out Mychal Kelly Online.

Europe + Spanish + Metal = Loco Delicioso!

2008-06-25T10:39:00.000-04:00

The condom balloons are a nice touch.

Who can really satisfy you?

2008-06-25T09:08:00.005-04:00

Have you ever wondered what it would sound like if Smoove B recorded an album in the style of Bill Withers, using only the default rhythm setting on a $15 Casio keyboard?

Of course you haven't.

Nevertheless, enjoy this fine offering from Don Blackwood - sincere ladies' man and enemy of auto-tune.

DON BLACKWOOD - "Name Just One"

No hamsters!

2008-06-24T14:11:00.004-04:00

Rare is the Smash Hit that you actually get to see live on stage. By accident.

The Black Death aka Beer Vampire (there was some confusion as to their actual name) had gained some small amount of infamy from appearing on late-night cable access in Brooklyn. Somehow this translated into a gig at the Luna Lounge.

Once it became clear that the overweight, 40-something men puttering around the stage were not in fact roadies for the other bands on the bill, the small audience was treated to a mixture of terrible, monotone punk and rants about how the club had put the wrong name on schedule posted outside. "We're called the Black Death," sulked the bass player who no doubt belongs to a welder's union. "Our first album was called Beer Vampire...so yeah. Anyway. That's fucked up."

The shining moment of their set came with this lovely ode to all things feline:

BLACK DEATH - "I Like P"

Take note: hamsters and farm animals need not apply.

Real Bands: The Top Ten

2008-06-24T13:49:00.003-04:00

For some time now, there has been an ongoing competition to find the most ridiculously named bands currently operating both online and in the real world. And make no mistake - there are many. It begs the question - did these folks have serious aspirations for legitmiate success?

Every week Ninjaface McGee will bring you the round up of real bands with most off-beat, offensive or just plain stupid monikers.

In the meantime, here are his Top Ten Real Bands:

Honest Bob & The Factory-To-Dealer Incentives
If he had better financing then he'd be off the charts but I can understand with today's gas prices why some people shy away.

Bathtub Shitter
There's obviously going to be a ton of grind/death & black metal bands on this list as they tend to have the best sense of humor. This takes the cake cause you know it had to really happen to one of the band members in some capacity, while I don't care to learn the full description it proves that toilets are just useless. Except for brushing your teeth.

Sexual Pantalones
Honestly, the best thing about this band is the fact that their logo is a dancing taco wearing a cowboy hat. Now if they only had a live mascot in the same gear and dubbed him "Senor Lechuga" that would be something. Then it would bridge the gap between the fans and his moustache wearing taco attitude.

Hydraulic Sandwich
I originally would use this as a weapon to ward off evil lunch ladies but upon closer inspection they just wear hair nets and have no desire to mess around in Olympic Track & Field events.

Hot Fudge Monday
There are an awful lot of "H" names in this list. Maybe we should make a movie based on the letter "H" like the number 23 but call it "Dinosaur Joe Makes a Comeback." That way everyone in the world will know exactly what the plot of the movie entails.

Hostile Omish
This will spawn a new breed of rappers such as "Cornface Killah", "Lil Wagon" & "The Black Hat". Do we have to name their mechanical royalties something else in order for them to collect?

Kampfar
Where'd you guys go on vacation? Oh, we went to Kampfar. Wow, was it the black metal winter camp you've always dreamed of? At least they don't have to travel far to take the black metal nature photos...or do they?

Cockpunch
The best mascot, the best merch, the music is good too. They just need to do a "versus" tour with someone like Meg & Dia, for the sheer fact the poster could read "Meg & Dia vs. Cockpunch". That would be fucking awesome!

We Smoke Fags
Granted this means something completely different to the English, but all I can think about is that Family Guy episode where Peter says, "Well, somebody tell this cigarette to get away from me."

Taint
aka Gitch, aka the Gooch, aka Heesh, aka the Gaza Strip

Speak, prophet of peace

2008-06-24T12:56:00.000-04:00

Unlike Ill Mitch, Speak is a legitimate Hungarian rapper - or trying to be anyway. Imagine Dolf Lundgren preaching about ending war while alternately wandering through a cemetery in the middle of the afternoon or leaning on a rented vehicle. As amazing as all of that, what really makes it special is the motley crew singing the hook - it's Hungary's answer to Il Divo.

Yes, sometimes people make a war, but if we can catch the bad man - well, it's a little unclear what's going on, but at least Tupac gets some props.

So in the great tradition of peace anthems and wicked flow from the Eastern Bloc, you please enjoy:

Fast & Danger: Meet Ill Mitch

2008-06-24T12:18:00.000-04:00

Ill Mitch was, in many ways, the Borat of the original Smash Hits collection. "Fast & Danger," an ode to his skateboard, boxing and his prowess with the laydeez, was one of the more popular selections.

At the time, there was some debate among the involved parties over whether Ill Mitch was a joke or a legimiate skateboarding Russian rapper. It seemed too good to be true - something about painfully broken English and a bad accent never fails to translate (haha, you see what I did there?) into unintentional comedy. Fast and danger, indeed.

Unfortunately, in hingdsight, it's fairly evident that Ill Mitch is a character rather than the genuine article. He's still going strong after all these years, and his website now has a reasonably entertaining video section.

Both his albums are now available on iTunes, shockingly enough.

Album of the year, hands down

2008-06-24T12:08:00.000-04:00

Heavy Heavy Low Low are now set to release their new album "Turtle Nipple And The Toxic Shock" on August 19th through New Weathermen/Ferret. The track listing for the effort shapes up as follows:

01 - "Hahahahahahaha"
02 - "Giant Mantis VS. TURT nip"
03 - "How Many Dad's Must Eat Themselves?"
04 - "3000, 100 Points, 100pts, Gummy Octopi"
05 - "H.D.EYE Hybrid Cyborg"
06 - "Trot Line Beer Can"
07 - "The Toxic Shock Mountain Blues"
08 - "R4TB3LLY"
09 - "Eagle Mewnadria"
10 - "Supernova Ninja Surfers"
11 - "Is This Your Homework?"
12 - "Green Genes"
13 - "Wasted" (Black Flag Cover)
14 - "Rotten Church / Mall / Parking Lot"
15 - "Please, That Bitch Will Outlive Us All"
Secret Track - "Longterm Exposure, Short Term Damage"

The effort will be preceded by a self-titled, digital-only EP on June 24th, the track listing for which runs as follows:
01 - "H.D.EYE Hybrid Cyborg"
02 - "Wasted" (Black Flag Cover)
03 - "Are You Ok Kiddo?" (Fuck It Version)
04 - "Inhalent Abuse"
05 - "Pizza Party"
06 - "Tragic Tragic Track Jacket"
07 - "Texas Chainsaw Mascer-Uh" (Fuck It Version)
08 - "Tell Shannon Her Crafts Are Ready"

Courtesy of http://www.theprp.com/

RehDogg: a Smash Hits primer

2008-06-24T11:30:00.001-04:00

Let's face it - there are a lot of untalented people out there. Music is harder than it looks, my friends. Even thunderously average music requires a certain level of Neanderthal brilliance. (So easy even Chad Kroeger can do it!) It's not like just anyone can sit down and bang out a trite, derivative yet commercially viable radio hook. That kind of highly-valued mediocrity is created in labs from call-out research and survey groups and probably some kind of ancient voodoo ritual.

Nevertheless, there's a lot of average floating around - some halfway decent average, some bad average, some boring average. Some average that sells millions, some average that couldn't get its mom to come to a gig.

However.

When the needle slips below the very generous purgatory of the average or even of "not horrible," we enter the murky water of things that are bad. Lots of things are bad, but certain things are so overwhelming, spectacularly terrible that they take on a certain aura that can best be described as "Oh my God - seriously?"

Take, for instance, prolific hip hop wordsmith RehDogg:

Let's examine how RehDogg manages to elevate his game from merely untalented to bona fide Smash Hit:

Giving even Ja Rule a run for his money for suspected Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
Two words: shower scene
Completely nonsensical lyrics (at varying tempos) apparently have "deep meaning"
Production budget of $2 and a case of orange soda
Is completely, unabashedly Not Kidding

It's recommended that you check out RehDogg's entire catalogue on YouTube, if only for the stellar description of his inspiration for "You Say I'm Ugly" the REMIX (of course):

This song is a remix the original song was produced because a man whom had a very close friend hurt his feelings by calling him ugly. the song became extremely popular hence the remix was born. The remix basically has the same elements as the first but also added hurt from rejection by Asian women.

Preach on, brother.